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Dad…One month has passed and I am still in disbelief that he is gone. I watched Dad die and still I do not believe. How is it possible that someone who was larger than life should not be here…here where I can talk to him, touch him, hug him and kiss his forehead? How could this have happened?

I miss him so much. I miss knowing that he was just a call away. I miss the reassurance that he was there with Mom, loving her and teasing her and taking care of her. My foundation is shaken and I cannot find my footing. My heart is shattered and nothing feels normal anymore. Grief is ugly and messy and so very inconvenient. I can find no place to set it down and walk away from it. Grief follows me and grabs my heart and squeezes so hard that I cannot breathe. Grief hangs over my head and rains on me if I experience any sort of joy, jerking me back to the fact that I cannot share those moments with Dad and making me feel guilty…how can I enjoy anything knowing that my father is not here? Grief invades my dreams and wakes me every morning and socks me in the face with the reality that Dad is gone…every single morning. So many things remind me of him…I see him everywhere and then gasp when I realize that there is no way that I could see him…he is gone and I cannot stand that fact.

And….what makes this ugly grief thing even more distressing is that while I get doused in it everyday…so does my Mother and my Brother and my Sisters, our Spouses and our Children and Grand-children and all of our family and friends too. So much pain. So much grief…So many hearts that need healing. So many of us who miss Dad. So many of us whose hearts are aching and broken. I wish I could wipe away my family’s pain…I wish I could rewind time and kiss him and hold on to him. I know we will see him again, but until then…we have this grief thing stomping on our hearts…and it just seems so wrong, so hurtful and so very, very ugly.

We miss you so much Dad!

June 2011

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